How Many Compliments & Criticisms Do You Remember?
One of the leaders I work with sent me this image the other day, and we both had a good chuckle.
Two books: One tiny little book that says "Compliments I remember" and one big, fat tome which says "Criticism I remember".
When I work with people, I always ask them to clock the compliments they get and pay them as much heed as the criticism. Easier said than done, it seems!
So many leaders I work with in coaching are what I call
‘self-critical overachievers’
and I really identify with them because I AM a former self-critical overachiever.
And the thing about self-criticism is that it doesn’t stop the more senior you are, it’s not like you reach a place and are impervious to it. Au contraire, even at the top echelons of industry, criticism - self or from others - is rife!
So why is it that we have a laser-like focus on any criticism we receive or that we revert to self-criticism so easily?
Partly, I think it’s because we have it baked into our DNA.
I’m not a scientist, so don’t quote me, but we are living creatures who are alert to any signs of danger. Criticism might not be life-threatening, but it’s potentially something that threatens our job safety.
Also, and I’m not an anthropologist, but we humans do seem to like company. I’m not sure we’re pack animals but maybe we are tribal. Belonging is a core part of feeling safe and secure. So criticism definitely can threaten that.
When we think about self-criticism, some of the most talented, cleverest, high-achieving people I’ve met have been incredible, off-the-scale self-critics.
Partly, it’s given them the drive to succeed, never resting on their laurels, being the absolute best, but also, it’s predominantly, I think their self-expectation causes it that they have to be perfect, never drop the ball, always be faultless. I know that because that’s how I was!
So what’s wrong with all of that if it makes you successful?
It can be draining and use up a lot of your precious energy
It makes you focus on the negative rather than the positive
You might well be so focused on what needs fixing that you completely disregard the amazing assets that need amplifying
Here are some steps you can take to help you focus on the compliments rather than the criticism:
1. Accept the Compliment
That's right - accept the darn compliments when they come along, and don’t bat them away without a second thought. You would obsess over it if it were criticism so give it as much time to acknowledge, digest, percolate, muse over.
2. Turn a Compliment into Action
One thought about why people don’t take compliments seriously, is that there is no discernible action to take when someone compliments you, unlike a criticism. So I say, turn any compliments into an action.
For example: ‘you are such a good speaker’ - the action could be mentoring someone through how you do it or volunteering to do more speaking and put it to good use.
3. Do an Internal Check
When you get a compliment, do an internal check to see if it fits with your internal beliefs about yourself.
For example, ‘you are an insightful, inspirational leader who can cut through vast swathes of data to pull out the key point’.
Now, stop and do an internal check and ask yourself:
Do I identify with that? Is that me?
What proof of that is there that it’s true?
Is that a better vision of me than the one I hold of myself?
What would life be like if I truly believed it?
How would I act differently?
See what happens!
I definitely think my life and mindset changed when I stopped and decided I was going to compare my inner narrative about me, with what other people said about me.
And believing and stepping into that other version has given me so much confidence, enjoyment and belief.
That’s why I was a ‘self-critical overachiever’ and am now, I'm just a happy ‘overachiever!
So, my call to action for you all is:
Dial down your obsession with criticism and self-criticism
Llean into the compliments, and
Double-down on aligning your internal beliefs with those.
The more you do, the greater your self-confidence AND your emotional resilience.
Take care
Tracy
