Perfectionist + Pleaser = Exhausted
'It’s not enough that I am perfect, others must be pleased with me as well.'
'I can tell I’m delivering if everyone is happy with what I’ve done.'
'People (or I) will think I’m selfish or self-indulgent if I talk or think about my needs.'
'I feel guilty taking time out for myself when I’ve got others to think of.'
Are any of these thoughts sounding familiar? Is that a resounding 'YES' I hear?
It may be that you are not only a perfectionist, driven by excellence and achievement but also that you are a pleaser who gets their sense of self-worth and security from other’s approval.
A Perfectionist People Pleaser.
Guilty as charge, m’lud.
And boy, isn’t it exhausting?
Being a perfectionist people pleaser is like being on a hamster wheel of stress punctuated with pockets of happiness in the form of achievement and affirmation.
It’s not all bad - perfectionism can create outstanding results and pleasing can mean you put your talents into the service of others.
But at what cost? Constant stress, constant chasing your tail, constant reaching for the next thing. It’s an exhausting way to be. It’s depleting, energy-sapping and after a couple of decades, it gets really wearing.
So what to do?
I know I’m not going to stop perfectionists from having that drive and suddenly deciding you don’t care a fig about what people think of you or your work is not going to work either. But these are some things, I believe, and know can help.
1. Create a vision of what success looks like. Whatever it is, a project at work, balance in your life, feedback from your team, sit down and think about what success looks like and write it down. Often we are battling with this idea of perfection without defining what it actually is. If you have a clear vision, it’s easier to recognise when you’ve achieved it.
2. Celebrate your wins along the way. Most perfectionists I know don’t do this because they’ve had that fleeting hit of happiness then are onto the next thing. So take time to celebrate your achievements, mark them, acknowledge them, post about them!
3. Get feedback from others. Often we are waiting for this approval or validation and it doesn’t come. Why? Well, often because people don’t think we need it! We’re perfectionists! What we do is brilliant, most of the time. So ASK for the feedback - ‘are you happy with xyz’ is the simplest. This way you ensure you get the feedback and the affirmation you need.
4. Challenge your inner critic. Often those thoughts creep in but they are normally fears or values expressing themselves. So stop and listen, what is your inner critic saying? Is it factually correct or is there no evidence for what it’s saying? What is the fear or value it’s trying to express? Can you bring it out into the light and discuss it with someone?
5. Make recharging your batteries a must-have not a nice-to-have. You can’t run on empty and you can’t deliver perfection and please others if you have nothing left in the tank. So whatever your recharging methods are, make sure they are part of your daily life. This does mean prioritising self-care. If you were a race-horse about to compete, you wouldn’t snack on junk food so make sure you are treating yourself like a prize-winner.
Okay, I hope that helps.
Take care of yourself, there is only one of YOU.
Tracy
