How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

Are you a ‘people pleaser’? And if so, what’s wrong with pleasing others?

I often hear people say, ‘I’ve got to stop being such a people pleaser’ like it’s a problem.

And I think it can be.

There’s a difference between helping others and making them happy as a result and being a people pleaser running around doing everyone’s bidding all the time and furiously nodding along to whatever they say (I exaggerate for effect!)

Being a people pleaser comes about if you habitually put other people’s needs in front of your own.

Or you don’t say what you really think in case it upsets them or they disagree. You may find it hard to say ‘no’ or worry about letting people down. You worry about what people think of you and you hate to think they are critical or cross with you.

It’s exhausting!

What’s worse is that it covers up the authentic you - what you really think, what you really want to do, what you really need - and it means you live in a state of worry and fear. You use up your energy in the search for approval, validation or acceptance that may or may not come. Other people are not a reliable source of validation so it’s best to start from within.​

So what to do if you recognise yourself as a ‘people pleaser’?

I was watching something the other day and this lady said that her dad had told her that “No” is a complete sentence. You could just say ‘no’ but it’s gonna be hard if you are a people pleaser to start off and just say “No” full-stop but if you are searching for solutions, here are some of my thoughts.

Ask yourself:

1. What does it cost me to be a ‘people pleaser’? Is it time, energy, choice, what? Is it worth it?

2. What do I actually want? And if I didn’t care about people’s reactions, what choices would I make? Keep that clear in your mind!

3. Think about what you can say Yes and No to and alternatives for Maybe. For example: ‘I can’t help you do that now because I’m on a deadline but the options are I have time on Monday or you ask X to help’

4. Think of win-win situations that work for both parties. For example: “I can see that meeting in person would be beneficial but I am packed that day so can either offer a Zoom meeting or we can reschedule until next week to do in person?”

5. Be clear about what’s on offer. For example: ‘yes I can do this job but I can’t work on these dates’.

Okay, let me know what you think or if you have other tips for combating 'people pleasing'!

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And don't forget, Be fearlessly you.

Tracy