How to lead with Empathy
How much does empathy play a role in your leadership style? Are you ‘old school’ and think anything like that is a bit too soft to merit serious consideration? Were you brought up with leaders who were definitely more ‘tell don’t ask’ rather than ‘ask don’t tell? For you, is any discussion of feelings awkward?
Well, you might be interested that the business book of the year this past year is called ‘Leader as Healer’ and I’ve been lucky enough to study with the author Nicholas Janni via Coaches Rising.
Nicholas, a renowned thinker in leadership development says,
‘To face the scope, and threats of 21st-century challenges, today’s leaders must possess potent powers for logic, reason, discernment and strategic forecasting. Yes, they must also be empathetic and therefore embodied, grounded, and intuitive.’
How to do this? Well, for that, I refer you to the book for a multitude of Nicholas’ insightful methods but in the meantime, I’m going to share what I have found to work.
If you find it hard to put empathy into practice, try these.
1- Ask open-ended questions
Asking open-ended questions (these are questions that cannot be answered with a Yes or a No but require more expansion) really helps people to open up and share more detail. Examples are: how are you finding things; tell me more; what is it about x that you find y.
2 - Listen to understand rather than to respond
I think this is a Stephen Covey tip. When we listen we are often just waiting for our time to speak and make our point but if you concentrate on listening to understand rather than to respond AND ask a follow up question or two before you respond then the other person has a much better chance of feeling heard and understood. You could try repeating what they’ve said to clarify you’ve understood. Focus on them, not you.
3 - Allow time and space for the other person to process and express themselves.
Don’t be in such a hurry. Create an expansive moment. Even if you are time-pressed and only have 15 minutes, if you are intentional about giving your full focus to that person for those 15 minutes, it will still work. Frame the time you have up-front - ‘we’ve got 15 minutes, how best shall we use that time’. People need time to process their thoughts and feelings and then put it into words. So create that, hold the space for them.
4 - Look for non-verbal cues and what is not being said.
In coaching, we talk about Level 3 listening: listening beyond the words that are being spoken. This is about tuning into non-verbal cues and body language and being aware of what is NOT being said. Also, it’s about tuning into your intuition about what is going on. Name what your intuition is telling you. For example, if someone is saying all is well but looking terribly upset, you can say, ‘I may be wrong but I’m getting a feeling you aren’t very happy’
5 - Experience things from their point of view and comment from that point of view rather than your own
Dale Carnegie who wrote “How to Win Friends and Influence People’ thought this was the key to success; looking at something from the other person’s point of view and speaking to them from that point of view. This is one of the great ways to show empathy. Take a walk in their shoes, see what they see. It may be very different to your experience but take the time to experience it.
6- Refrain from judgement or instant solution suggesting
Many of us jump to solution suggesting or telling people what to do or, worse, telling them they shouldn’t feel that way and it’s not really the reality. Although we think we might be comforting someone it can often not be the most helpful method. Hold back from unsolicited advice. Instead, try asking, ‘what do you need? How can I help? What would be most useful for you to get tackle this?’
Often, there is no easy solution, and you might not be in a position to solve all their worries, BUT having empathy, listening actively, and being present for someone else has enormous benefits. It allows them to feel heard and process things, which may, in turn, allow them to become aware of ways forward they hadn’t considered.
So 2024, if you are going to develop one leadership skill, I wholeheartedly recommend empathy.
Tracy
